letting go of that which you hold secure. letting go of that "it used to be..", and start looking ahead.
actually this pool of thought of letting go whats' behind and looking ahead lingers near my mouth when i share with some of those i talked to.. but it seems harder then it looks, so i realised.
having held onto alot of things, people, for security, for the familiar, for the comfort zone of knowing, i've become numbed to trusting Him. the more i held on to them tighter, the more i try to continue worry about them being around.
Have being a Christian been a burden more then a joyous life? i'm so untuned. yeah, my instrument, my heart is so out of tuned. i play the guitar, before the band starts playing, i tune my guitar, it sounded noisy, ugly. but when i play my first G chord, it sounded alright.. yah, i need to tune my heart to the right note. else, i'm just noise trying to find my way up the G chord... if i've not tuned for such a long time, it gets further from the right chord.. the chord into God's heart.
Your journey lies along another path. You've got to let all that go now.
nights of tears, the ache that won't go away.. everytime i try to silence the surfacing of having to let go, my heart pains so much, that no words can describe.. yah, i think some might be wondering now, "what is she talking about?!" sorry, but i prefer it remains as such..
was reading a book, The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge, "pleasure is often more about drugging ourselves than it is about enjoying ourselves. And the things we do to avoid the ache are always worse in the end than the ache itself." how true and timely, i said things i should not have, hurt some ppl, and the claws of not wanting to let go hangs onto me like a lion to its prey.
recently, be it at home, or at work, one after another, things happens, bam! bam! bam!.. i told God, "i can't.. anymore, you take over pls.." then i realise God had wanted me desperately.. i'm a master of deceive. deceiving my own heart of looking at what needs be done and decided. i hate to listen to what seems impossible. its even harder to speak to Him. so i ran.. far and loud. more noise, more noise, busyness, it hid it beneath my mask. till God held me close when i looked at His face.
no, i don't suddenly feel better, but i guess i know He's there. i need time to sort out my feelings and my reasons. i'm a person of reasons. i ask myself the Whys alot of times, why i feel this way? why is it that this happens, why am i ... WHY. life has a lot of whys, i guess i kept asking cuz i thought it would end the pain. that i would have a resolve to my piercing mix of feelings. i guess only God has the answers, and He's not going tell me all now..
familiarity kills the life, the desire of forward. i have to let go! i have to. mk reminded me, if you keep holding onto somethings so tightly, how is God going give you things that might even be beyond your imaginations? I was reminded that my God is a good God, and He loves me till death, literally. I shall not be afraid. i need to move on.
days and nights of trying to hang onto what's passing is tiring, i need e courage to say i'm moving on. SIGH. i think i'm still rambling thru' my post here, trying to get my thoughts together. but i need to write, to put words to my thoughts and ache. i think the feeling of abandonment and unlove overwhelms me. i think i seek refuge in ppl and things i do for so long that God has been diminished to a money tree. (sorry Father..)
I kindof knew i have to face this one day, but i kept pushing it further, deeper down my heart, cuz i was afraid of what or how i would react. and now, its right here, i want to do the right thing, i do not want to become a burden to anyone, i want to cast care to Him. Trust in my Father that He is bringing me with Him, along this path of Christlikeness. along this path He who has called me.. Abandoned Trust.
21 September, 2006
xh @ 10:54 PM
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The World Wide Web.
yah, the place where everyone got connected and everything gets known. The Internet.
Got to say, my "history" with the internet goes a while back to my secondary school days (oh my, its been a while huh?). Every night chatting away in chat rooms, personal IM (Instant Messenging) etc.. Not one day passed without me logging onto the internet..
it got too real. I literally lived on the internet more then i lived in real life! Believe me! i mean it! I was getting all entangled, enmeshed and all confused over who i am and that, i can't live life without my virtual reality of the web. Nights and nights passed (and i mean from 12am to 5, 6am then to school) with my continual of being closed up view of just me and my internet! too caught up that i lost sleep, food and even neglected my school work! (hey! even my teachers were on the chat room wot!! how cool!)
looking back, tones of lessons and experiences to share :) The Internet is not my life, it was me hiding from my real one. I had not faced up to the real challenges in life and the 'real' bustle of what living and experiencing life (real life i mean) was! i "grew" out of the phase.. Addiction, yeah. I am.
hmm. its been like 3 months since my last post? so.. WHAT MADE ME BLOG AGAIN?!
i thought to myself, what better way to let ppl see snippets of my life then by posting my sharings online. :) (btw, i went on to study 3 yrs of IT in Singapore Poly and yeah, i got my diploma haa)
I'll be enrolling in SIM doing Bachelor of Counselling cum graduate diploma in Counselling. Starting course next yr Jan. PHEW! You guys don't know what a load off my shoulder that was! really!! day and night i struggle with making a decision and weighing the pros n cons, the benefits, the risks, the this the that..
cut long story short, God really made a way, not just A way, but THE way. I think i've shared a yr ago of my progress and my change from my training of IT to where i am now, its been God leading all these while. Very uncertain, very scary, but assuring! and i'm starting to feel the excitement of really living the life God intend for me. Life is just beginning!!
God not only opened SO MANY doors to what i did last yr (Specialist Diploma in Human Services), He opens many options that i could progress from and gave me a job which i don't drag my feet to. Yes its work, i still think work is meant to be worked for. or it would have been "a play" and not work.
I could take the counselling course and convert to a social work course when its released next yr mid yr. HEY! i didn't just get 2 options to choose from, i get 3! its all been pathed out in God's plans and eagle views..
Many times, we fear because we don't trust. We worry because we don't see that our God is BIG enough to provide and shelter us. We need to see life ahead as how God would! He's a creator..
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea? or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail? Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead our the Beat with its cubs? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, "Here we are"? Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions? Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?
Job 38:12-40, 39:19
How Majestic is our God. I worship a God who is infinite. Who leads, Who knows and Who cares. He created me. He is the ONLY One who knows me in and out, even better then i do know myself. Trust me, you won't go wrong with Him.
Cast Care.
11 September, 2006
xh @ 10:52 PM
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God is near.
my heart was dry and cold yesterday. i was pondering over qns which i knew i never wld find any answers for. i got into a moody patch, esp when i heard my friend/colleague's bf died .. yes, he's the same age as me and my colleague. tho' i've never seen him.. somehow, the losing of a love one is just so heart breaking.
i pray for healing, for my friend. comfort for the broken heart. i cried.. i know He is too, above. if only my friend knew.. if only she knew there is someone who knows what she is going thru'.. ..
i went running yest.. (yes, after a much long break) my ankle problem isn't getting any better each day. its getting worse in fact. due to e nature of my job, i have to be very mobile and on my feet thru' out my duty hours. tiring... i ran.. and ran.. and ran... i wanted to beat the blues that was following me.. i wanted to drive e clouds away. i want to find God. i needed Him.
I got very frustrated with life, frustrated with giving, keep giving parts of me. i shouted at God
"Why do i have to keep giving! i've no more to give! can you just make it stop! i'm tired.." ..
"Who's giving here? Why do u give? From where do you give from? remember child."
God, i need you in my life, i've left you at the doorstep. i walked away. its you whom i need to be plugged into. its You that i need to draw strength and purpose from. Help me.
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today :
taught DG after a long break. dry as ever.. but i just prayed, God You teach your children, You lead.
reached workplace, saw my colleague friend alone in the computer room, plucked up courage and walked in, she was crying... heart broken. i walked up and offered an arm over her shoulder. sat beside her in silence... Father you minister to her, your created, your dear child. Although she doesn't know You personally, but she is my friend Lord, and even dear to you.. be near her. this i pray..
after work, saw 2 small memo/letters on my table from my girls.
"nobody understand me, i duno who to turn to" "i reallie mish you" "i love eu alot" "you must take care of yourself" "so happy can see you and you chose to talk to me" " i'll not 4get you, thanks for the help and concern you gave" "you're always my 1st best house mother" "just now i slping then you come, friend wake me up, so happy to see eu"
the broken world, broken hearts are ever needing. needing a hope, needing a lending ear and love.
Jesus, i sing praises of thanks to you. You works in your wonderful ways. You cares every so much for your loved ones. You never fails. You pick me up when i'm down and crying.. Father i know i can trust You. Thank You.
Song
Over my head - Brian Littrell
I tried to figure it out Time and time again and time again I guess there's just some things I'll never understand 'Cause Your ways aren't our ways But deep down in my soul, down in my soul There is one thing I know that I know
I'm in over my head Right where I wanna be I'm so lost within Your love The love that always covers me So high, so deep, so wide A strong and cleansing tide My soul has found a place to rest I'm in over my head
I've been holding on Now I'm letting go, just letting go Gonna let Your love carry me away I don't know where I'm going But I'm surrounded by the truth And I can feel the current pulling me Deeper into You
I'm in over my head Right where I wanna be I'm so lost within Your love The love that always covers me So high, so deep, so wide A strong and cleansing tide My soul has found a place to rest I'm in over my head
You see me for who I am You did reach out Your hand You made me understand That Your love has always covered me
25 June, 2006
xh @ 11:39 PM
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why go church?
a long overdue post. i want to etch this down to serve as a reminder for myself if i ever ask myself this qns again..
last sunday, on my way to -u know where lar-, church. i didn't want to go. really.. (duh? okok why?) i think the "self-centeredness" attitude came in again. I think it became rampant when i start to miss e ppl in church, the activities... the feelings of being included, belonged. i feel alone..
the thought of going back to church after few sundays of work, i dreaded e feelings of -left out- and duno what's happening as the activities, the bustling life of youth service pass me by in front of me as i stand watching. no.. it didn't felt gd.
ppl coming up to u asking "hey! long time no see, how are u?" and before i can blurt out anything "...", "hey! i talk to u again k? bz lar, got this .... and .... bye!" me: "uh.. ok cya.."
i desperately look around for something/ somewhere which i could fit right in where nobody would notice me standing feeling lost. but my heart is heavy.
why do i go church? a soft, gentle voice rattle inside my heart. i asked back e qns. he asked, "u knew, my child.." ... i did. i refused, i object, i rejected. but .. i compiled. i said "its because of u.." he:" -smiles-" i want to go church because there is someone whom i called and acknowledge as God my Father. yah.. i remembered.
Its not because of friends nor activities or even to get the feeling of feeling belonged. i needed Him.. very much. i wouldn't know where or how i would be living without Him above. He has never left me, he will never will.
if i'm to seek friendships, activities, to feel belonged, to find my, self. i won't. i will only find eternal belonging in Christ as i'm not home yet, i'm just a passer-by in this world, thus i will NEVER feel at home or belonged here. till i go to be with my Lord, then i will be home. i look forward to that day.
From thus point on, i know why i go to church.
if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself. 2 Timothy 2:13
28 April, 2006
xh @ 2:55 PM
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evening out!
yay! back, smelling nice after a bath.
did my night shift last night and came home this morning to sleepzzzz. but i think what i was looking forward to is an evening out solely with dear janie! :)
when i asked who to accompany me watch ICE AGE 2, she replied! we caught the movie just now and it was humourous! a great time just relaxing and just really enjoying without stress, thinking of work or anything!
we met faith, siew luan and rosalind too! where leh? we went sakae sushi! yum! had fun and a nice time chatting! yay! pictures in my flickr album on the right top hand of this page :)
i think its been so so long that i've actually been so care-free.. too long. but am glad that God allowed friends to be around and to have fun too! i cut my hair and colored it haa! jane is waiting to see hor?? hmmz. shall not comment on it. bleh-
ok lar. enuff of updating the bloggie cuz SOMEONE sayz i haven't been updating.. haa! cya guys! i'm getting busier with work .. moving over etc. bleh -_-
01 April, 2006
xh @ 11:45 PM
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another night
yeah.. working night shift now.. i guess this is the only time which i have to actually sit down and recollect what has been happening in my life?
of late, i've been trying to figure out which degree course should i embark on. finance is an issue. i've two options. (prior it was only one) to do the Monash degree which costs 38k, 4yrs part time or to do Edith Cowan which costs 17k with 1yr exemption, 2yrs part time.
haiz. pros and cons. the obvious is the cost fees difference.. such huge difference! but Monash being the group of 8 uni from Aussie, of course the recognition is there. (its jointly offered by SSTI which is the training arm of NCSS - govt body of MCYS) so the accredition and credibility is definately no problem.
As for ECU (Edith Cowan uni), its offered by the academy of human services.. before this, i've not heard of this academy, apparently they started only in yr 1998. explored this course and the obvious is the fees.. its so so so much cheaper then the Monash (branded)! i'm stuck. i goto do my sums of re-payment and how long i would take now.
someone whom i really look up to and trust mention, maybe to pursue Monash does not sound too logical cuz of the debt i'll get myself into.. but among all the social services professionals i've spoken to advised me to pursue monash instead of ECU which is lesser recognised (some have not even heard of this uni) i'm in a dilemma now.
i hope this clears soon. you are right (you know who u are), i think in my heart i've already made up my mind, from the way i write and the way i "sway" towards, that have already exposed my choice. but i really question, question if i've made e right choice? if its not then what i wil get myself into! a huge debt trap!! the consequences are enormous!
has the desire to pursue a degree deafen my listening to His voice? has the longing to feel "equipped" lose my trust in Him? i pray not.. i want to be open, i want to listen, i just hope i'll hear.
