its been hard

last sunday afternoon, had lunch with faith n selina.. woah.. its been quite some time that we're able to not be rushing off somewhere, or rushing to go home or for meetings etc. but we stayed to eat, and talk from rough 2+pm to 6pm! gosh. what did we talk abt? life, jobs, aspirations, ministry. "Offloading" time haha. it was great being able to share, support and fellowing with ppl of your age! oh how i miss these times!

have to say i really find myself no time at all to blog or to just "do nothing" for that matter! life's tough. i guess as from my previous post, i've started on a real search and journey in trying to discover my next move, my next step of where i would want to proceed to. ah.. projects after projects, assignments after another, how to have time to even think of e future?

this and last weeks' been really trying for me. even thought, i think i can't take it anymore. family problems, stress, having to be the "assuring, encourager" in the family to my parents (esp. in times of distress) can be quite tiring i figured. had to take leave, take hours of off from work to attempt to solve the problem. (which at least now we're working towards a solution) and when u feel things are on the right track, dad starts to wonder if its been the best "deal" we've got.. aiyah. God help me ah! inside i was crying out, "someone plz plz help me!" little did i realise, its God i'm calling out. (of cuz it wld be nice to have friends to hear my ramblingz lar)

i have to admit, my spiritual life has been affected with the heavy load from work, family and especially sch work. in my mind, i wanted to just finish my projects and to do it well.. but somehow, i figured, i'm starting to grumble about my course and what i'm learning in sch. i have to ask myself, "where did all the joy go to, xh?". i'm disappointed. my stress and lack of discipline have robbed me of my joy from my studies. maybe i haven't mentioned this here before, but this course i'm doing now, is the only time i'm actually, interested in what i'm being taught! (and u wonder what i'm doing from pri6 - poly?!) yeah! its true! i would be looking forward to class, never doze off in class even though its sooooo tiring after full day of work, participated in discussions actively, and even read up the other materials/books suggested or recommended by our lecturers at our free time (if i have that is).

this semester is really crazy! more modules, more projects (double the load!) and coming.. more papers to sit for in exams.. the one pinching issue for me is.. i could have put in more for my dg class.. yes, i did prepare my lesson, pray, read up etc. but, i feel i should and could have done more for my class. i'm really encouraged that everyone of them are opening up and starting to feel comfortable with each other in class and responding and learning stuffs.. but as e one leading it, i fall short. really short.

i told myself i would run full force, do more, pray more after my course ends at April (exams), but i ask myself, "u sure?" ha! that hit the nail doesn't it? alot of times, we procrastinate. (and i'm a regular customer) till last sun when one of my dg boy's mum talked to me and ask me to ask the group to pray for her son. i have to say, i was really unprepared to hear that. i told myself, "hey, i'm very busi lar, let me finish my studies then i come up with something to lead the group in praying for each other etc" uh. i guess the timing couldn't be better then now? *God you reading this right?* spoke to my class, and i spoke to my heart.

God, forgive me for sining against You, for not heeding your soft promptings in my heart of what i need to do. Forgive me for turning a deaf ear to Your leading and guiding. Lord, i'm thankful that you still love me and you still are, as ever, waiting patiently at my heart's door, waiting to just have some time with me. I recognise that You do not want a half heart, nor a simple worded planned prayer that i memorised during sunday sch, you want me. Alot of times, i keep thinking, i will DO qt later, i will DO my bible reading later. i forgot that You just want to be with me. Help me to listen to You. help me to rely on Your strength. on everything wholeheartedly, not selectively. Thank you for your grace that covers me, Jesus, as You walk the last walk on earth this Lent period, grant me the serenity of You. just to be with Jesus. Amen.



15 March, 2005
xh @ 1:46 PM

where to now?

the Os and As GCE level has been released. kindof felt the "jittery" and nervousness around me as all of you from WOW have waited day, months for it hor? where to now? must be the question that is burning all over. not sure if the admission exercises has been over? (think for the As peeps, not yet right?) where to? what now?

well, i still can remember when i was 17, at my sec school hall, awaiting to sign and receive my results. wah... that excitment but yet utter nervousness! took e slip, hands trembling from my teacher. :D oh man, it feels like yesterday! (okok.. i'm old liao lar..) after getting over all the tears and comforting of disappointments and some comforting grades, i sat down to think, "so.. what now? poly.. ok.. but which course? poly got course in humanities/geog or lit or not?" (haa.. okok, i'm more interest in these than all the technical stuffs offered by our dear polys) no choice, have to squeeze a choice from the not-so-tempting courses. chose IT. and arrange the polys in order and "SEND" the application. ok i'm done.

i think.. its never easy, wasn't easy 7 years ago, wasn't, hasn't now. some might already have that ideal place/ course that u wanna take, but for some, its a hair tearing decision to make. i finished my diploma in IT from SP, (barely swim, float survived thru!) THEN, that was the WHERE TO and WHAT now big big qns for me haa... its like, all these years, from primary school, advance to secondary school, then make choice, go poly.. and uh.. stuck. all your life of swimming along this 1 direction stream, you're suddenly thrown out into the wide open sea to face your fears, challenges, and the BIG unknown. (sounds like nemo hor??)

started work, bump around a while, got depressed, got disillusioned, think LOTS, cried, shouted, despair, hope. i'm grateful i'm currently employed. and even took my baby step of studying PT for my specialist diploma in social work. "wah, finally u know ur direction liao ah xh?" uh.. nope. sorry leh. still duno. i have to toil thru' questions like, "is it really the way?", "what if it isn't?", "then how? where to, if else??".. lots of these starts hitting hard *piak piak piak* one after another straight at my face. Crossroads. they say. yeah. a choice you have to choose. confusion. uncertainty. yeah. they are my constant company thru' the nights. sounds familiar huh? if not for:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

i would have given up hope. never was easy for anyone i guess.. the unknown, the future holds for you. trust. is what He requires. faith is what He wants to build. character is what He hope to see. our God is an awesome God. he knows our beginnings, current and whats to come. alot of times, we try to figure it all out and to find ourselves failing miserably. then we ask Why why? God said in Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," and we forgot that in all He's asking for is, to trust. trust Me my child - He said.

even until now, as i contemplate further studies, a change of job, i'm still uncertain. a first step of faith He says, and yet, that is a testing of faith. remembering we don't only trust any person, but our faith rest on a Almighty God who knows what's best for us (even when we think what's best is not what God has intended for)

as i was seeking Him today, He led me to 1 Kings 17:1 (click here to view full chapter) Elijah, a man of faith and someone who had called down fire from heaven, who has been a man who's annointed, had to run. God told him to go. and he went. he ate from food brought by ravens(God provided), he drank from a brook. and the brook dried up because of the drought that was promised to the land. "har?! how can likdat? i thought God say, go and he will provide? now the brook dried up! how now? die lar! why? God don't You care?" very familiar? i guess these are the common questions we ask God when things don't go the way we think it should. but, not knowingly, God has already provided a widow to provide for Elijah's food/water and shelter later on..

we are not God. God is all knowing, all present, all powerful. He sees our end and our being right at the end of our story on earth. he knows what we need, he knows our tempers, our childish tantrums, our stubborness and we even sent Him to the painful cross reserved for execution for slaves and the worst criminals. how great and vast is our Father's love for us. He loves us. in fact, He's head over tails over us! let God be God and let us, be His created, beloved little ones. trust. faith. hope.

God i thank You for loving me and I too, love You very much. :)


05 March, 2005
xh @ 10:41 PM

is it worth dying for?

how fast the weekend passes! *blink* and there goes the weekend.. mondays, back to routine of work. haa.. i think wanna share a bit of what happened on sunday :D (always somethng to learn and share hor??)

hmm. haven't been blogging for some days.. ahhHh.. busy-ness is getting to me! :S last sat, had dgl meeting at 930am! -_-" to say 11+.. had breakfast which auntie lai wah bought *yumm* have to say, its one of the earliest sat mornings i had haa..

the reality of how being a dgl dawned on me again.. that, i was reminded once again the role and priviledge i'm given is of huge. every role is impt in the kingdom of God's service. and here i am, fighting and trying my way of being that servant with some boys.. for in the Word @ James 3:1 says

"NOT MANY [of you] should become teachers (self-constituted censors and reprovers of others), my brethren, for you know that we [teachers] will be judged by a higher standard and with greater severity [than other people; thus we assume the greater accountability and the more condemnation]." (Amp Version)

oh gosh.. remember that always xh! looking and reminding myself of this verse always reminds me not to take this priviledge lightly at all. alot of times, i wanted to just make a quick prep. of my lesson and try and hope my boys wld skim thru' the dicussion with me.. but my conscience could not let me.. thank you God for being merciful.. let me never to forget nor take ur blessings and calling lightly :)

--

sun, 9am- 1020am teaching session & dg, then say around 11am i visited the sunday school pri5&6 class.. they were having craft session that day! wahhhhhh.. so chaotic. heh. but thankfully i've seen this part of being in children's ministry before heh. but thats where my admiration for the teachers came in.. they are always able to catch the attention and get on with lesson or things they wanna do in class with the kids!(imagine, about 20+ kids talking at the top of their voices concurrently?!)
oh oh, reason why i went in .. is to do an observation i had to for my school assignment. had to observe kids and make analysis or conclusion about social/emotional skills and relations from my observations called anecdotal record. (i stood around trying not to stand out *which obviously i cant* and recorded every move/words a kid do.. heh) kindof interesting but didn't get all that i hoped for in the observation. prob have to do it again..

ran into wow hall at around 12+ when rev. poh was ending his message and sun was the 4th week, so we had holy communion.. every 4th sun of the month, we celebrate together as a family of God in His giving up of Himself on the cross for us. for me. in remembrance of His mighty act, thru His blood and body, that was broken for all.. Lord, let me never to forget this wonderful love of Yours which u displayed on the cruel cross for me. Let me live my life according to Your will and even if, it will bring pain, give me strength and the grace to say yes to go thru' them even though alot of times, its so much easier to just say, "just take the easy way out". give me eyes to see Your hands at work, give me patience for interruptions that comes my way, teach me that all these are for the purpose of moulding and crafting of a diamond in process. :)


01 March, 2005
xh @ 12:03 AM