a new month! June!

yeah.. sorry for the long lapse from my last post.. took me a while before i started penning words here again. lots have happened since then.

firstly, i've finished my diploma course in social work!!!! here's it:

Legal Provisions In Social Service Settings B+
Working with Children and Youth A
Working with Families B+
Working with Elderly B
Working with People with Disabilities B

all praise and glory to God.really really grateful for the grades. i think i will now believe, that its God that led, guided and shown me the way. never in life have i ever goton grades of just As n Bs.. praise God for His grace as I was ploughing thru' my course.. now just waiting for the gradt. ceremony to collect my certificate. :)

next phase of life about to happen. scary. as i sit here today (in office now actually :P) i can't help but suddenly feel so very overwhelmed by the thoughts of future, whats to come. gosh. till i almost don't dare to believe it! the bare fact of thinking that i'll be moving on to another job, area etc, scares me to my core.

okok.. i'll spill it here, i've kindof decided to pursue the degree in social work with Monash Uni. course official starts next year feb. but i have to go for bridging modules so that'll start this oct. but all these say is still.. in hope of.. please pray for me as i struggle to settle the financial part for the course. i think i might need a miracle. i've tried, asked banks, institutions regards to loans.. and lo-behold, i realise their criterias of min. gross pay of either joint applicant(had to be my family members), or min. age (which my parents don't meet) etc i don't quite meet. quite some headache and doubts now.. still waiting for some replies from other banks.. i think i've just one more bank to ask from.

i duno what these means.. its like, here i am standing at the verge, and the step to move forward is obvious, (i choose to believe God leads me, and is still pointing me forward at this point), but .. now an obstacle surfaced. stopped me straight at my tracks. frankly, i do tremble and shake under such uncertainty.. and i can't stop doubts from slowly creeping in. if i'm to ignore that, i'll be lying to myself and it doesn't solves anything. am facing it now, trying all means and ideas to see how all these goes!

but one thing i realise.. i've goto go back to God. missed Him dearly. i'm sure He's waiting at my heart's door too.

Lord, forgive me my wrongdoings, my short tempered-ness when someone cut in front of me, when someone shoves me in the mrts/buses. forgive me when i am not patient with my parents' needs, when i shld have showned extra concern and love for my brother. forgive me when i shld have showed love and geniune care to my boys. that i should have, that i shouldn't have. Lord, i've fallen short of who you meant me to be. Unveil the veil infront of me and give me eyes to see, a heart to know.

i'm reading a book by John Eldredge, Waking the Dead. learnt lots. am still learning. realised that our hearts does not equate to feelings/emotions which alot of ppl always do. but rather, the heart is where the connection btw our mind, thoughts and spirit. without the heart, we cannot see God. see that i use the word "see" and not "feel" ? emotions and feelings are the display of how the heart reacts. but its not just that. if our heart is dead, hope dies, and so does our will.

we are at war. yeah. a war against the unseen, not the physical. everyone dies physically. but then, what happens to the spirit? a gd friend of mine (thx kelvin david!) stated in his nick a while ago, something along, "to not be so concerned and worried of what happens after you die, but rather be concern of what happens when u're still alive". how true. we always think what happens to us when we die, when we'll die, scores of ppl try to lengthen their lifespan, immortailty. but for us christians, eternity starts now. here on earth. the moment we receive Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour, our everlasting life starts now, with Jesus Christ. and we have hope. in not ourselves, cuz we waste away each day, but the hope of seeing Him again when this phase of our life ends on earth.

what truth and awakening that is.

Lord, i want to trust, hope in You. life's hard and rather frightening alot or most of the times. but i choose to cling on to You and Your promises to bring me home safely. What You ask for is to know You. what i ask for, is to want to know You. that when i see You face to face, i will know You and You will receive me into Your banquet for the homecomings. Lord as i search and yearn for answers, help me to look up to You. the only one who has drawn out my life's storyboard. help me not to look for my life answers anywhere else as that'll be foolish. give me courage to face the tomorrows ahead and the unknown. to have the faith to say yes when You say go. open my eyes to see You and Your guiding hands. i love You God. i know you do to me too. thank You.

01 June, 2005
xh @ 4:25 PM