cry out to Jesus...

a waste of time

u slouch on ur sofa, u stare brainlessly at the screen of moving pictures and the ever 'leading' media box. the television. yah. i've come to realise tv is really a total waste of time and we're just letting time pass us by. i realise when i spend the whole evenings or even the day sitting in front of it, i'm really trying to not think of things in my life. avoiding the emotions and issues in life. escapism. of something deeper and within.

instead of just sitting infront of the tv and letting all the media of the whole soak me in, i could be reading up on books that enrich, clearing the ever long to do list i need to finish, to write those cards i've always wanted to, to just.... spend a quiet time .. along with.. Him. haiz.

i'm far from Him.. i don't blame Him, cuz its me that have gone far off.. not Him.. He has never moved.. but i've closed the door.. that ever tingling feeling and tugging of the heart seems to be getting softer and more afar. yet, i still have this 'argh' when i struggle to just have a time of .. aloneness listening to my heart issues. help me. i need to know..

24 January, 2006
xh @ 6:25 PM

a passing of a brother.

everyday we expected, we took it for granted that he'll just come back to us, he'll get over the sickness. we forgot his fighting.. struggling each day. we took it for granted. we never thought... ...

kelvin passed away. he's someone whom i've goto know when i was very young in church, always seeing him as a bubbly, fun person. he's commitment to God and the youths he ministers, amazes me. his love that kept pouring out, his courage.

kelvin was dignosed with cancer some yrs/yr ago. he's been thru' chemo, and constantly in, out of the hosp. he told us "Satan thought he has got me down by striking me with this disease, but oh man he's wrong. because of this cancer, i'll stand up for Christ more, i'll speak of His mercy even louder, i will serve Him with whatever strength i have, and i'm not going down with a fight. so, don't cry for me, but live bold, live for Him."

i will always remember his words of courage that day as he stood on stage testifying about his illness. kelvin never admitted defeat. he never gave up. alot of us we find life tough, difficulties that hits us and we complain.. but i guess alot of times, we are so caught up in our own little self pity world that we forgot that there's a Great God who's in charge. i do not know why kelvin is taken home so early in his life, but i know God is in control. He was never out of control. kel said, "if its for His glory that i'm to go, then let it be" what words of courage. let us learn from his never say die spirit and let his words stay with us forever.

prayers for the grieving family, take heart, kel is back home where he no longer knows pain and suffering. he's safe in the arms of our Almighty Father. thank you kelvin, for showing us true courage and love. i'll see you again, soon. take care my brother.

his blog addr is in my links.

13 January, 2006
xh @ 10:05 PM

another lesson.

now on night shift again.. i duno.. but starting to have abit phobia of working.. after those few incidents that happened that left such bitter after taste, i start to doubt everytime i work if anything would go wrong and things would get ugly again. fear.

i was reading this book by John Ortberg titled "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get OUT of the boat." in this chapt "Crying out in fear".. it really spoke to my heart and what my problems are.. the root. fear. it talks about how fear disrupts faith and becomes the biggest obstacle to trusting and obeying God.

i recall many many multiple incidents when i really let fear totally paralyzes me. to try again, to even think of what happened which i deemed as a failure. when u look at a toddler,well, they.. toddle.. they take a few steps and they fall, they pick themselves up again, and fall again. but they never decide "hey, i keep falling, i'm a failure, i shall not ever walk again" no! they don't.

somehow u wonder what happened as we grow up, we are so afraid of taking risks and that it even runs in the family. when we go out, our parents will always say, "be careful, look for cars when crossing the road, come back early" everywhere its about fear and cautiousness. i think we've forgotten to risk. not haphzard risk but trusted risk.

i believe God is telling us to change our gold for His and changing our security for His uncertainties of where He'll lead us. But a suriety of an eternal life w Him. He invites.

Trying and failing, learning from failure, and trying again works a lot better than waiting for perfection.

God Bless.

12 January, 2006
xh @ 1:22 AM

the tough gets tougher.

actually i duno where to start. for the past weeks, things have been rather difficult @ work. i have colleagues yelling, screaming, shouting at me as if there's no tomorrow. rumors, gossips, selfishness, fakeness! i think i took sometime to really compose myself now to type this post.. else it'll just be another rant.

i duno.. but i kept having the feeling of frustration and... emptiness. yes.. empty. void. although feeling that, i feel i've alot of messed up voices, noises in my head. everynight when all activities stops and when all is quiet, there's this very restless soul in me. i realise i treated it with more noise, TV till no more sensible shows to watch at night, or just plain reading whatever book but not really understanding what i was reading. (sounds so jialat hor?)

i think i started asking the WHYs. and then along came the HOWs and the WHATs. Why is things happening..? How am i going to do with it? What can stop my restless soul.

i figured i dread silence this instance. esp. with the cold hard reality just waiting to roar thru' any silence in my life. thus all the distractions i gave myself. i realise it goto stop. i can't take it anymore. something needs be done. i needed God. i knew from head knowledge that only God can give the peace that stills e raging heart and the confused spirit. i hoped.

after dinner, i was tempted to just sit in front of the tv and not engage my mind or any feelings of my heart, but to just let it be blank and let the TV noises lead and end my night. knowing i have to cover for a colleague who's on MC tmr doesn't helps. i just want to vent my frustrations in the lost world of noises. but i heard a tugging of the small still voice.

i stopped e tv, and told myself i will force myself to be still in my room and not to on my tv. i knew God was calling. He's waiting. ever patiently. Deuteronomy 4:29 - But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. its been a while since i visited that place in my heart. it smelt familar, it beckons.

i had forgotten where to begin. i starting writing in my journal. many a times we think we need to feel "right" to go to God or even feel "accepted". but no, God wants us to go to Him as how we r feeling and thinks. Jesus wants us. you and me. with all our confusions, our needs, our hurts and pains.

Jesus met me tonight. i knew i could find Him.


All that I am
All that I have
I lay them down before You O Lord
All my regrets all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Used it for Your glory
Lord i offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past
Things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hope
All of my plan
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Used it for Your glory
Lord i offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life...



Father grant me the heart of Jesus. The deep peace that only You can give, The oneness and wholeness that only God can bestow. Lord, forgive the parts which I fell to sin, and lift me up to the heights which You've await. Heavenly Father You know me in and out, You search me out and You found me. Walk with me as i travel on this path heaven-ward. Assure me as i live them daily. Not of the future, but only that You'll be there with me, to the end. Jesus' blood is the only reason i understood Love. You died and You rose, You love and You still do. Thank You. I need You Lord.. I do...

09 January, 2006
xh @ 11:50 PM

yummy outing!

today (07.01.06), my 2 long old friends (ok not THAT old) initiated an outing.. to CHIN HUAT LIVE SEAFOOD eating place. er.. nor that place where it say their lobsters are larger then the little ger? heh.

I have know BH and MZ for a long while now. MZ and me were from the same primary school and we met again when we attended the same poly and course AND class! talk about coincidence! :D we went thru' lower primary, same class, in poly, we were together for the whole of 3yrs, same class! i'm always impressed by MZ's relatively good grades in class, and she's a gal who'll set a goal and will work full blast towards to get it! yay!

I goto know BH thru' Internet Relay Chat (IRC) back in 1996 or 1997 when i was in secondary school in channel #NPCC as the name goes, it was really fun then, we spent quite erm substantial of time chatting on IRC chatroom. then, IRC was the booming way to chat online (now i think its msn?)

once in a while we'll meet .. but i guess somehow i feel there's this long deep friendship with the two of them. from pri sch, sec sch, poly, to now where all of us are working, in our different niche of work. i think its wonderful to have friends whom we can share life with esp all the way from childhood and even now to work where we can share our ups n woes together, still have fun going out and all! i'll let the pictures do the talking for now!


we had crabs!

Bh eating!

its actually still moving!

my plate

more crabs!

that's me!

the foood

me eating!

the amount of drinks we had!..gosh.

crabss

mz eating away

mz again.. yummm..drools

my cooked crab!

bh eating awayyyy

MZ and me @ bus stop!

BH and MZ! (bh trying to hide behind e bag..duh..

hiding BH and me

i had great fun with them two. hope we'll continue stay in touch (MSN!) and to meet up once a while :) thank God for friendships, and i'm truely a blessed one, with MZ and BH around! yeay!

08 January, 2006
xh @ 12:17 AM

a night at work

and i mean literally, a night spent at work. today. now. i'm on my night shift. thought i'll talk a bit of my work (during night shift now) (or maybe not so much in details)

its a 14hrs shift. (double a normal shift hr time) i duno.. but i always kindof enjoy the solitude of the night during my night shift AFTER the girls turned in. be in in the dorms or at the operation room, the girls will call to greet good night (: i think now being here at Toa Payoh Girls' Home (TPGH) for exactly 3 months today, i love all my girls. really. some can get on ur nerves, some really can try to scheme and 'bluff' their way thru' or even spill vulgarities at your face, i still love them all. maybe i'll get all agitated and frustrated at that moment, but somehow, the next day back at work, we all start afresh, me and the girls.

i still can rem i started out work here with alot of anticipation and.. fear. there's so much thoughts and feelings and all before i even started work. all the stories you hear outside etc. the first mth was especially difficult. i didn't know who to be. (huh?) yah.. it was rather frustrating and confusing. with so many personalities and characters of my colleagues that i work with, i had to find my way and my style of handling things in the home. tough huh.

somehow i feel i'm being too lenient and soft towards my girls.. that i'm not as strict and fierce as i should be..? i really duno.. maybe time will tell. but then again, i struggle with being the opposite.. i think with the years of taming down and adjustments to ministry in WOW, i naturally jump straight in building friendships with my girls rather then the commanding way of how things are done.

3 mths down the road, i can't say i've stablised, but i would say, i'm still learning, but with something to work with and alot to look forward to. God brought me thru' daily at work. even with mistakes, i learn and i move on. i don't think i'll ever stop learning here. there's so much i can learn from the girls too.

everyday as i take that 5mins path walk towards the home, i pray for God's grace and patience as i handle my work with affection and genuine love. i do not want to just come to 'work' but i want to give more, show more to the girls in here. i hope at the end of the day when the girls gets out from here, they can forget me, forget everything, but to remember that, there was someone who showed care n love like Jesus did (:

-looking around- all my girls are asleep now.. as i continue with the silence of the night. (:

but i dread the drowsiness and tiredness of the morning to come.. usually will rush home(travel time is about1.5hrs!), bath, eat breakfast and fall asleep on the sofa w the tv rattling on.. haa..

ok, i shall stop here for now. shall share more next time!

03 January, 2006
xh @ 1:54 AM