abandoned trust.

letting go of that which you hold secure. letting go of that "it used to be..", and start looking ahead.

actually this pool of thought of letting go whats' behind and looking ahead lingers near my mouth when i share with some of those i talked to.. but it seems harder then it looks, so i realised.

having held onto alot of things, people, for security, for the familiar, for the comfort zone of knowing, i've become numbed to trusting Him. the more i held on to them tighter, the more i try to continue worry about them being around.

Have being a Christian been a burden more then a joyous life? i'm so untuned. yeah, my instrument, my heart is so out of tuned. i play the guitar, before the band starts playing, i tune my guitar, it sounded noisy, ugly. but when i play my first G chord, it sounded alright.. yah, i need to tune my heart to the right note. else, i'm just noise trying to find my way up the G chord... if i've not tuned for such a long time, it gets further from the right chord.. the chord into God's heart.

Your journey lies along another path. You've got to let all that go now.

nights of tears, the ache that won't go away.. everytime i try to silence the surfacing of having to let go, my heart pains so much, that no words can describe.. yah, i think some might be wondering now, "what is she talking about?!" sorry, but i prefer it remains as such..

was reading a book, The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge, "pleasure is often more about drugging ourselves than it is about enjoying ourselves. And the things we do to avoid the ache are always worse in the end than the ache itself." how true and timely, i said things i should not have, hurt some ppl, and the claws of not wanting to let go hangs onto me like a lion to its prey.

recently, be it at home, or at work, one after another, things happens, bam! bam! bam!.. i told God, "i can't.. anymore, you take over pls.." then i realise God had wanted me desperately.. i'm a master of deceive. deceiving my own heart of looking at what needs be done and decided. i hate to listen to what seems impossible. its even harder to speak to Him. so i ran.. far and loud. more noise, more noise, busyness, it hid it beneath my mask. till God held me close when i looked at His face.

no, i don't suddenly feel better, but i guess i know He's there. i need time to sort out my feelings and my reasons. i'm a person of reasons. i ask myself the Whys alot of times, why i feel this way? why is it that this happens, why am i ... WHY. life has a lot of whys, i guess i kept asking cuz i thought it would end the pain. that i would have a resolve to my piercing mix of feelings. i guess only God has the answers, and He's not going tell me all now..

familiarity kills the life, the desire of forward. i have to let go! i have to. mk reminded me, if you keep holding onto somethings so tightly, how is God going give you things that might even be beyond your imaginations? I was reminded that my God is a good God, and He loves me till death, literally. I shall not be afraid. i need to move on.

days and nights of trying to hang onto what's passing is tiring, i need e courage to say i'm moving on. SIGH. i think i'm still rambling thru' my post here, trying to get my thoughts together. but i need to write, to put words to my thoughts and ache. i think the feeling of abandonment and unlove overwhelms me. i think i seek refuge in ppl and things i do for so long that God has been diminished to a money tree. (sorry Father..)

I kindof knew i have to face this one day, but i kept pushing it further, deeper down my heart, cuz i was afraid of what or how i would react. and now, its right here, i want to do the right thing, i do not want to become a burden to anyone, i want to cast care to Him. Trust in my Father that He is bringing me with Him, along this path of Christlikeness. along this path He who has called me.. Abandoned Trust.

21 September, 2006
xh @ 10:54 PM

The World Wide Web.

yah, the place where everyone got connected and everything gets known. The Internet.

Got to say, my "history" with the internet goes a while back to my secondary school days (oh my, its been a while huh?). Every night chatting away in chat rooms, personal IM (Instant Messenging) etc.. Not one day passed without me logging onto the internet..

it got too real. I literally lived on the internet more then i lived in real life! Believe me! i mean it! I was getting all entangled, enmeshed and all confused over who i am and that, i can't live life without my virtual reality of the web. Nights and nights passed (and i mean from 12am to 5, 6am then to school) with my continual of being closed up view of just me and my internet! too caught up that i lost sleep, food and even neglected my school work! (hey! even my teachers were on the chat room wot!! how cool!)

looking back, tones of lessons and experiences to share :) The Internet is not my life, it was me hiding from my real one. I had not faced up to the real challenges in life and the 'real' bustle of what living and experiencing life (real life i mean) was! i "grew" out of the phase.. Addiction, yeah. I am.

hmm. its been like 3 months since my last post? so.. WHAT MADE ME BLOG AGAIN?!

i thought to myself, what better way to let ppl see snippets of my life then by posting my sharings online. :) (btw, i went on to study 3 yrs of IT in Singapore Poly and yeah, i got my diploma haa)

I'll be enrolling in SIM doing Bachelor of Counselling cum graduate diploma in Counselling. Starting course next yr Jan. PHEW! You guys don't know what a load off my shoulder that was! really!! day and night i struggle with making a decision and weighing the pros n cons, the benefits, the risks, the this the that..

cut long story short, God really made a way, not just A way, but THE way. I think i've shared a yr ago of my progress and my change from my training of IT to where i am now, its been God leading all these while. Very uncertain, very scary, but assuring! and i'm starting to feel the excitement of really living the life God intend for me. Life is just beginning!!

God not only opened SO MANY doors to what i did last yr (Specialist Diploma in Human Services), He opens many options that i could progress from and gave me a job which i don't drag my feet to. Yes its work, i still think work is meant to be worked for. or it would have been "a play" and not work.

I could take the counselling course and convert to a social work course when its released next yr mid yr. HEY! i didn't just get 2 options to choose from, i get 3! its all been pathed out in God's plans and eagle views..

Many times, we fear because we don't trust. We worry because we don't see that our God is BIG enough to provide and shelter us. We need to see life ahead as how God would! He's a creator..

"Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place?
Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea?
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail?
Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?
Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead our the Beat with its cubs?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, "Here we are"?
Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions?
Do you give the horse his strength
or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?

Job 38:12-40, 39:19

How Majestic is our God. I worship a God who is infinite. Who leads, Who knows and Who cares. He created me. He is the ONLY One who knows me in and out, even better then i do know myself. Trust me, you won't go wrong with Him.

Cast Care.

11 September, 2006
xh @ 10:52 PM